My mother is a beautiful and precious woman whose actions in life and relationship in Christ Jesus have significantly influenced my belief of who I am in Christ. When I was 16 my mother came to me when I was in my room reading, and in a very serious tone said, “There is something I need to tell you.” Even to a 16 year old, young and very much naive, I was still able to grasp the somber tone with which she said these words. Anxiously I waited for what she was about to say. Her words were something I hadn’t expected. She revealed to me she had had an abortion before she and my father were married. I didn’t know how to react. I thought about the appropriate responses; should I be angry or hurt that I could have actually had a sister? I chose anger, which looking back was extremely selfish on my part. I took what my mother had shared with me, a regretted decision that had haunted her and stood between her relationship with the Lord for years, and made it about myself.
Today (coincidentally/God ordained, the eve before this very blog is due) I sat in church, and I listened to my mother share with the congregation the same story she shared with me four years ago. This time tears came to my eyes not of anger, but with pride and empathy. For the first time I was truly able to grasp not only the struggle of her choice that she has lived with, but her recovery. She shared of the pain of her abortion and how although she was a believer in Christ she had lived with the guilt and shame of her decision, unable to forgive herself. These two horrible things, guilt and shame had affected her relationship with the Lord as she had held on to them. Moreover, she was unable to accept the clean slate the Lord held out to her.
I too have lived with both guilt and shame from my own past struggles with an eating disorder and alcohol and drug abuse. Instead of allowing the Lord to fill me with strength, and forgiving myself as he has forgiven me, I destructively pushed these feelings down. This year though my relationship with the Lord has deepened and I have seen the fruits of this renewed relationship, I have had trouble letting go of my past errors.
One of the things I’ve prayed for during my recovery is that I would be made more aware of the Lord’s blessings and work in my life. My mother’s testimony at church was at a time when I could not help be feel the love of Christ and his healing power. Her now strong and steadfast faith has shown me the power of Christ. Even more importantly, she showed me how to accept Christ’s love and forgiveness completely, allowing for the shame and guilt to be released. For the first time I can truly say,
I believe I am made anew in Christ Jesus!
Wow… so amazing how we can be so blind to something and then later on God will open doors and make it so much clearer! I love it when that happens! Can’t wait to meet you!
It is wonderful to see the changes in your heart and mine that are taking place as result of relationship with the Lord…praying for you contentiously
Tears are streaming down my face in thankfulness for His love and grace in our lives. I am so proud of you, sweet daughter. So blessed by your insights and growth in Christ. Love, Mom