As for God, his way is perfect;the word of the Lord is flawless. Psalm 18:30

I was sitting in the Mbabane hospital crying today after I found out that the little boy, who I've been with each week, died. I didn't understand why. I still don't. All I could think about was the beautiful baby boy. I pictured his gorgeous mom, her eyes filled with tears as she told me last week how scared she was about her son being tested for TB, about the possibility of staying for another 3 months in the hospital. And now her son was gone…he had died the next day. I felt like my heart had been broken and I had only known the boy for 2 weeks. I could not imagine what his mother was experiencing. I left the room after finding out, feeling that there was no way that I could be used by God anymore that day. How could I allow myself to fall in love with all of these children to get my heart broken when they died? I was like, "God, you know how I am, it's all or nothing…I can't half-heartedly love these children." I sat there and read through Psalms 86, the passage that I had written down for the mom last week. Allie came up to me and asked if she could pray with me. We talked and prayed for about 20 minutes about how emotionally difficult hospital ministry could be. Allie told me that it was a way to realize that every conversation, every action mattered because we didn't know if we would see the person again. At that moment, I knew that I needed to get up and keep loving the other ladies in that room. It wasn't about me being upset; it was about me showing God's love to the women and babies in cubicle (room) 1. Today might be the only chance that I would get with some of them. I knew that I had no strength or emotions left on my own, but God would fill me up so that I could pour out his love to all of the women and children.

He blessed me by establishing a relationship with a Christian woman, Tanele, who will be gone by the next time we are in Mbabane. Her son, Simangaye, had a heart problem and was waiting to be sent to South Africa. Tanele was really discouraged by all of the sickness and death that surrounded her and her son in the hospital and God was able to use me to encourage her and brighten her day. I also held a tiny baby girl, Thandiswa, who was a month old and very malnourished. She slept in my arms for the entire two hours, which was a way that God really used to comfort and re-energize me. God really filled me today, especially when I felt like I had no strength or energy. God showed me that he wants me to love as he does, and that means with everything I have! I am to have the mind of Christ and that means that there will be times when my heart breaks for people in the same way that he did when Lazarus died. I still don't understand why God didn't heal the precious little boy, I don't know if I ever will, but I have to trust Him. He did create the world, he knows the number of grains of sand, and he knew that baby boy's future even before he was knit in his own mother's womb. Today, God showed me that by giving my all for him, He will never leave me drained and dry, but will always refill and refresh me. Just as I loved holding that baby girl in my arms today, God wants to hold me. The baby was exhausted and drained, but she trusted me enough to fall asleep and restore herself, her energy, in my arms. God wants me to do the same. Just as I was filled with joy by comforting the baby girl, he rejoices when I trust him and lean on him to comfort me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5-6