"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1 Thess. 5:16-18

Making relationships with women at the Manzini hospital has been one of my favorite ministries here in Swaziland.  I always look forward to visiting the women's ward but these past two weeks have been extremely hard.  Last Thursday, one of the women I had been visiting since day one passed away.  She was the one that I wrote about in my last blog.  It was hard because I'm not sure if she is saved or not because she didn't speak English at all.  It was hard to communicate with her but I always prayed that God would speak through me anyway and translate in her heart.  I also sang a song in Siswati so I prayed that the Lord spoke through that song, and that His light would shine through me when I served her.  Anyway, coming out of that week was hard but I was really excited about a new week of ministry. 

Tuesday we went to the hospital again and I was eager to see two ladies that I have been visiting regularly.  I walked in the woman's ward to the TB section because that's where they stayed.  As I walked through the door I noticed Mary's bed was no longer there but there was an oxygen tank next to where the bed used to be.  I couldn't believe it until I confirmed it with a nurse.  I walked to the nurse's station and asked them and they said she "expired" on Sunday.  It was so hard to hear because I didn't think she was that close to death.  Just last week I took her outside to walk around with me and get some fresh air.  She was actually supposed to get discharged on Tuesday.  She has 5 kids and her husband died from AIDS 3 years ago.  It's discouraging knowing that now there are 5 more orphans in this country as a result of this awful disease.  I was really upset but promised another patient that I would come visit her.  I knew I had to press on! 

I walked back to the TB room to visit my other patient who was a beautiful 28 year old; she had TB and AIDS.  I had been visiting her since the first time I went to the hospital in the beginning of February.  Over the past 5 weeks I have met her husband, sister, and mother at different times when they came to visit as well.  I walked up to find her family standing around her bed and she was on oxygen.  She was gasping for each breath and her eyes were not able to focus on anything.  You could hear congestion in each breath as well.  It reminded me of last week when I saw my other friend who died.  Within about two minutes of standing at her bedside she stopped breathing completely.  They called the nurses to come and it was confirmed that she had just died.  I don't think I've ever witnessed someone die in front of my eyes like that.  It was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced.  They covered her up and I walked outside with Cynthia (our translator) and Tricia (teammate). 

I just started bawling but I didn't want the family to see me.  We walked away from them and I just cried out to God.  I said, "God why?  I don't understand.  I can't deal with this each time I come to the hospital.  I don't have the strength for this."  I got out my Bible and read Psalm 136-139.  In Psalm 136 it says over and over again that His love endures forever!  Also in Psalm 138:8 it says the Lord will work out his plans for my life.  I just tried to put her name in the place of "my".  I know the Lord will always prevail and His plans are bigger than what we can comprehend.  It's hard knowing how to balance becoming emotionally involved with patients, but also trusting God and His sovereignty when they pass away.  I prayed with Cynthia and Tricia for a while and the Lord gave me strength to continue ministering that day.  I felt like I needed to introduce myself to the family so they knew why I was so upset about it.  We told the mother that we had been visiting her daughter since the beginning of February and praying for her each time.  She thanked us for visiting twice a week and I told her I would continue praying for the family.  Her husband wasn't there yet and they were trying to get a hold of him.  About an hour later he showed up and couldn't even stand up once he saw her because he was crying so hard.  That was really hard.  I think the hardest part for me is building relationships with these women, but not knowing what will happen to them at any point.  Please pray that God will give me strength to face times like this and that I will never doubt His love for His children.  I can only get through this with HIS strength and compassion on His people.  We can't always understand why God allows things to happen but I can rest and find peace in this…

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired and weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."  Isaiah 40:28

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him, but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.  The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.  For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him?  In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."  1 Corinthians 2:9-11 

Serving Him,

Amanda