Prepared to Flow

As I right my last blog, I think of the journey the Lord has taken me on throughout the trip.  I reminisce and take in the relationships I have formed, the smiling faces of the children, and the people we have lost (most recently, Precious, read Amanda’s blog).  It is funny; I came on this trip to bring hope to these people, to tell them of the love of Christ.  As I sit and reflect, I realize that through my interactions with the very people I came to “evangelize to” the Lord has taught me far more than I have taught them.  Whether it be through seeing the beauty and purity of the faith of a child, what it means to truly care about your neighbor and live in community, the strength in the mothers who sit days and weeks by their children waiting for them to get better, or in the smiles and instant acceptance of children who have been robbed of their purity and childhood, the Lord has used them to teach me and bring me closer to Him.

I remember the person I was before this trip—materialistic, wrapped up in the world’s idea of beauty, seeking comfort in my possessions, consumed with money and its pursuit.  Basically, I was completely entangled in this world.   I now see who I have become and see how the Lord has totally broken me.   Recently, I was holding the hand of a dear elderly patient in the hospital, she squeezed my hand and I looked down at her.  I hesitate to say she smiled up at me, because smile does not do this action justice.  She smiled with every essence of her being.  As I instantly returned her smile, I could not help but feel the exchange of love moving between us.  This love could only be of the Spirit.  At that moment, as my soul overflowed with Christ inside of me, I was able to think back to that person I used to be and the things I desired.  Everything I could think of paled to the intimacy of Christ, and the precious relationships he has created.   

I now think of the person I am today.  At training camp, my world was turned upside down when I realized that a relationship with Christ was about loving Him with all your being and knowing He loves you.   I realized that I had been failing miserably at controlling my life, and that the Lord wanted me to hand him over the reins.  Since training camp and throughout my time in Swaziland, the Lord has been asking me the same question, “Will you follow me?”  My first answer had been “Yes! I love you!  You have turned my world upside down you are so good!”  I answered this way because I had gotten a taste of the first fruits of the spirit and wanted more.   At this point in time I knew that being a follower of Christ meant having the mind of Christ.  I desired to be rid of my sinful nature (i.e., pride, selfishness, annoyance), was this good enough to follow Him?

The second time the Lord asked me, “Will you follow me?”, again I said, “Yes!”.   By the second time the Lord had taught me about surrendering my feelings over to Him.  I realized I myself could not just all of a sudden get rid of my sinful nature, this is something I needed to constantly lay before Him and daily surrender my sins.   However, I still did not get an answer.   I knew there was something else missing.  But what was it?

Knowing my thick skull, before the Lord asked me for the third time, He led me through Acts.  I became completely captivated by Paul.   First of all, based on outside appearances, he was the most unqualified man to go and spread the news of Christ, given his habit of persecuting Christians.  Nonetheless, the Lord favored Him and turned his heart around.  Second, I loved hearing about how after Paul would enter a town, just to be cast out and rebuked, he would merely shake the dust off his feet and then be filled with joy because he was doing the work of the Lord.   After reading Acts, I found the Lord constantly bringing me back to this book.  “Why this one?”, I would ask.  “Yeah, Paul is absolutely amazing he went through so much,  I wish I had his courage and strength.   But what does that have to do with me?”

It is with those last few words, “What does that have to do with me?” that the Lord truly turned my world upside down and rebuilt me.  He hit me with Luke 9:23, “if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  It is with this beautiful question by Jesus that I have learned what it means to suffer for Christ.  With this verse the Lord revealed to me that following Him, means I am following in Christ’s footsteps.  It means that my journey will not be easy, that I will have to deny myself.  I may not get the perfect life I wanted—the husband, kids, house, car.  Further, like Paul, who I am just as unqualified as, I will suffer hardships and persecution.   Who am I to say the Lord will not give me the same courage to fight for Him?

So about 3 weeks ago he asked me again, “Will you follow me?”.  I thought about this question more deeply and cautiously this time.   I knew what it meant to follow Him, that there would be great suffering and sacrifice.  However, I also had come to know the end of the race is far sweeter than the track leading towards it.  So this time, I confidently answered, “Just tell me where to go, make your voice known to me and I will go!”.  You can imagine my surprise, when for the first two weeks I heard nothing but silence.  You might also imagine my worry with the end of the trip coming quickly, and I still have no idea what I am going to do this summer or if I will return to school in the fall.

This weekend, the Lord decided to answer me.  In several different instances and occasions, people have revealed to me that the Lord is about to move in my life, in some way, shape, or form.  This was the answer I had been waiting for, the Lord had spoken to me and had said, “Ok! You’re finally ready, we are about to begin!”  However, instead of excitement, I felt fear.  I had been praying for his direction the whole trip, and now when I finally get an answer, I worry about what exactly I had just signed up for. 

This Tuesday we had the privilege of having a teaching by Gary and Lisa Black, missionaries here in Swaziland.  Lisa spoke on when Christ calls you to do something, and whether or not you are obedient to Him.  I realized that the fear I had in the Lord was a result of my lack of faith.  I doubted his ability to carry out his plans, which is wrong because when the Lord our God promises something he will carry it through to completion.  Second, I feared what he would ask of me.  I forgot that whatever He called me to do he would empower me to do it because I am in His will.

At this point in time, as I type my last blog, I may say I do not know where the Lord is leading me.  However, I do know that He has promised me He has his eyes fully fixated on me and that he is strategically moving me somewhere right now.   Despite all the vagueness I am fully at peace and excited.   I am just flowing—waiting and trusting on Him to lead me, and knowing that when it is time He will not only provide but enable me to carry out His plans.